The Wrath of Solicitors

The Wrath of Solicitors ! ! !

Featured in the October 1st, 2008 issue of the Saddleback Lariat Newspaper

Saddleback Community College, a place of prosperity where adults from all over southern Orange County gather to higher their education and goals in life to achieve a higher status in society, but, in this day and age it has been on the downward spiral of devolution. The reasons for this devolution are these rare breed of creatures called solicitors which have been slowly multiplying by the numbers over the years. Solicitors are roaming our campus, like a pack of wild zombies wishing to chew our brains away with useless information and pyramid schemes. These people only want to take what is most valuable to you and sell it to the highest bidder, your soul. Just because they say that school is the safest place that you can be, it is actually isn’t.

On any ordinary day in the abnormally sunny city of Mission Viejo, you could be walking down the path going to your next class only to be bombarded by several groups asking you to do the same thing. Being the humans that we are, we feel inclined to give them our sympathy and buy into their demands, but at times it isn’t the best decision. Here is a perfect example of a conversation between a solicitor and you, the innocent miniature college student.

“Hello sir, how are you doing today?” said the large man in a size small shirt, “Would you be interested in signing up for a free 14 day membership at Hard Bodies Gym?”

Looking down at your own physique, you notice that you are approximately 1/5^th his body size. If he wanted to, he could crush you with his bald shiny head and mustache. Not knowing if this man is serious or not, you reply, “Sure.”

Fourteen days later, you noticed that you are completely broke and financially insecure because you have just given away your credit card information, driver’s license, and social security card. You have basically became erased, there is now a forty year old man with a bald head and a mustache wearing your clothes, sitting in on your classes, and going out with your girlfriend. Easily, thinking you can become the biggest, fastest, and coolest kid with a free membership really didn’t work out in the end.

Sadly, at the alarming rate the human population is reproducing, we are only going to see the best of solicitors in the upcoming years. Just like if they were Orcs breeded in the heart of Mordor, their armor will only become thicker, and their words will only become more convincing. Ranging from Hard Bodies Gym memberships, Latter Day Saints, McDonalds Exercise Program, Real Estate Agents, Blue Tooth Republicans (BTR), Team Rocket, and scary post-apocalyptic Icelandic zombie proliferators, we need to simply be ready and hold fast hope with standing firm in our beliefs that people who solicit and fight the good fight. If we give up and lose the fight, we will soon be assimilated like the Borg. Like Captain Picard said once, “Resistance is futile.” Well guess what, you were wrong Picard… you were wrong…