The Complete Saga
In the beginning there was the creation of the universe and with it was the big bang. All types of colours and elements were formed at that split second in time. Along with the formation of the universe came the formation of one of the most unique creations known to man, The Celestial Mustache. Form out the elements of light, beauty, and strength, came this mustache from the clouds of explosions in the sky and with it, it was good. Knowledge of this mustache was passed down through the ages making the dream of man to one day explore the stars and find it. But one day there was a man named Xenu who possessed an evil power and lust to control the universe, and he did. One day finding the mustache, he surgically attached it to his face giving himself the ultimate power. In his Galactic Confederacy he made it a decree to have all mustaches for women and men, the women would have to take anabolic steroids to increase their testosterone, and children had ones drawn in with hand at a young age and sometimes leading to brain damage from the high content of chemicals emitted from markers. With over population and disarray amongst the stars, the universe seemed like a dark and scary place until someone decided to step up and fight against Xenu.
Scholars said that a great battle ensued and after a Douglas DC-8 crashed into Xenu's spaceship, he was destroyed. The remaining parts of his body and hairs from his ultimate mustache were scattered all across the universe to make sure that he would never regain power again. Each part was specifically put in a solar system, and for Earth's disposal was the mustache. The impact of Xenu's mustache hair being spread across the Earth caused a mass eruption of various volcanos releasing toxic gases and thetans into the atmosphere causing many species, including the dinosaurs, to become extinct paving the way for the future of the humans.
To prevent the Earth from being destroyed again, there was a drastic measure to be take place to stop the mountains from once again erupting and destroying the Earth. The keepers of peace went around to the mountains sprinkling the elements of earth, water, and spirit to keep the mountains at ease and limit the growth of their mustaches. All was going fine until there was one special mustache that wouldn't stop growing.
Over the course of a million years, one mountain began to form in a way that no one else would expect it to. Growing its own eyes, hands, mouth, and mustache, it was as if this mountain was coming alive.At the Scientology headquarters in Los Angeles, California one night, L. Ron Hubbard came to John Travota in his sleep and told him. "Hello John, it appears the mountain from Xenu's stash keeps on growing and growing, if we don't take action, his mustache will become so big it will flood the entire earth!"
Waking up from his dream, John Travolta went out to the mountain range where the mountain was and ordered that it must be transfered in a confined space where they can observe it and do experiments.
"We shall call it project Micah, and hey, I'm John Travolta!" said John Travolta.
With the money that he made from the movie Hairspray, he managed to use those funds to transport such a large object to a top secret lavatory located in Salt Lake city. There, Micah was fast asleep, unaware of his own existence and mustache.
Locked away in his lavatory in the beautiful city of Salt Lake City, Micah the Mountain was locked in a dream world of confusion and mind melting bliss. Created by the funds of BYU and John Travolta's salary off of Hairspray, they made sure that the power of Xeno's celestial mustache would not come back into power.
Wondering off using the science of tectonic plates, Micah slivered through this way in the lavatory.
"Woah!" said Micah, "Who am I and what is this sweet lining of hair I have on my upper lip?"
Still not fully aware of the gracefulness of Xenu's mustache and the potential of getting Mountain Babes he had, Micah simply explored the area.
Moving up to the science room, Micah discovered this long piece of silver metal laying on the ground that said the words, MICAH on it.
"Hey that name sounds familiar, perhaps if I move myself onto it then I could remember what that word means." said Micah.
Using the glory of tectonic plates, Micah inched onto the platform only to instantly realize that this magical silver surfboard gave him powers beyond his imagination. Like as if he experienced millions of years in evolution, Micah grew trees out of his side which were like movable arms to him and his mustache began to glow.
"Micah." said Micah, "Ah yes, that is my name! Cooooool. Now since I have this wonderful hovercraft I wonder what I am going to do with it."
Again, not realizing what he was doing, his hovercraft started to malfunction and as he was testing it out, he accidentally destroyed the Mulch machine. Out from the security chamber, the Scientology machines were unable to stop Micah as he broke out of the complex and into the city streets destroying half of the BYU campus.
Wondering out of the John Travolta Micah Complex, the mystical mountain used his hovering platform and ventured off finally realizing the world that existed in front of him. Now understanding how to control his machine, the possibilities were endless for him.
"Wow!" said Micah with his tree hands waving high in the air, "There are so many fun things to see, I cannot believe it, Xenu was right when he chose this earth as his favorite earth because it is the only earth called Earth!"
On his travels, Micah visited the things that were implated inside his mind from the Mulch Machine such as the aurora borealis, the Great Wall of China, pyramids, the Loch Ness Monster, and even pizza!
"Oh geez! These Pyramids must be my brothers, except they don't have mustaches, and oh dear, the pizza looks like my sister, except more aerodynamic. Hmmmm..."
Having a wonderful time exploring the world, Micah was excited to go to the next destination.
"I wonder how my brother Everest is doing... I bet he must be lonely hanging out all the way up there!"
After a long time traveling on his hover craft, Micah finally made it to his brother, Everest which lay deep in the Himalayas. Micah's brother, Everest was known to be a very knowledgeable guy who many mountains went to seek guidance and... compassion.
Taking a stroll through Nepal, Micah finally reached his brother where he groomed his mustache just so he would look appropriate for the meeting of the two. At his amazement, he was shocked on how big Everest grew over the last couple billions of years.
"Oh dear Everest!" said Micah, "It is I, Micah visiting you since we haven't see each other in lifetimes!"
Looking through his purple shades, Everest said, "Micah! How long has it been? I was hoping that the glory of tectonic plates would bring our souls once again in the future, but I have waited too long for this glorious moment, how art thou brother?"
Noticing all the mountanist babes on Everest, Micah looked enthralled on how he was able to do such a thing.
"I thought you were getting lonely up here brother, but it seems like you are quite busy!" said Micah.
Everest smiled and looked back at Micah, "Oh yes indeed, many humans come to visit me every year and climb on top of my head to look at the world below. A very weird concept, but it sure attracts the mountain babes as you see they are just clinging on to me. It is hard being so big, right now I have the Prime Minister of Russia, Vladamir Putin, and his team climbing me right now. Do you want to say high to Putin?"
Micah nodded his head in agreement.
"Hello Micah!" said Vladimir Putin, "Oh wow that is a glorious mustache you got there, I wish I could grow one like that!"
Dazed and confused, Micah wondered off into the sky and waved his brother goodbye because he was just too excited to see him he really didn't know what to do!
Accidentally going too far off into the distance, Micah somehow ended up in the South Pacific where he landed on volcano island. The creation of Volcano Island was a McDonald's where they forward calls from drive through just so they can save a pretty penny but exploit their workers in third world countries.
The Island started to become very mad and eventually Volcano Island turned into, you guess it, volcanoes! OH NO MICAH! Trying to escape as fast as he could, he managed to get out of the bigger part of the volcano explosions and happened to run across a hiker who was about be engulfed by one of the lava mouths.
"Help me oh mustache wonder!" yelled the hiker, "I am about to be turned into a McChile!"
Without any hesitation, Micah used his high tech hovercraft and swooped down and saved the hiker from instant McDeath.
Picking up the hiker, Micah began to notice that he was actually a nice guy, not like the ones who try to make you sign those scary petitions or those type of things.
"Hello there Mr. Mustache!" said the Hiker all friendly and warm.
"Don't call me Mustache, Micah is good." said Micah to the friendly and warm Hiker.
"You saved my life, and with that I owe you. As a gift, I shall share with you one of my secrets, the meaning of life." said the hiker.
Micah smiled and let the hiker continue on hoping that he wasn't setting him up to sign a petition.
"Well you see Micah, life has many wonders, just like the board game, we just have to play it one step at a time. I have to let you know, with those good looks that you possess and that thick mustache, I'll be honest, you can probably pick up any babes you want to with that face of hair."
"Like my brother Everest?"
"No." demanded the Hiker, "Even better, John Travolta has nothing on you, neither does Tom Cruise, we can make a great team you know! Just let me show you the hopes and in no time you will be reproducing with mountains left and right to make hills and knolls!"
As the sun was beginning to set, Micah smiled back at the Hiker. Sitting down on one of Micah's rocks, the Hiker sang a song about Mountain Babes and they floated off into the next day.
Chapter IV
Deep inside the Scientology Lavatory located in Los Angeles, John Travolta, using his pay from the movie Hairspray, was developing the latest technology to take down the floating mystical mustached mountain named Micah.
On screen with the Bluetooth Republicans (BTR), BYU, and the Stevia Factory, John Travolta discussed his latest plan. "You see here my friends, we have the technology, all we need now is to apply it. You see... I have this high tech transmitter device that will take down the mustached mountain and we can use his stash hairs to once again reclaim Hollywood!"
The only thing was that John Travolta was lying, he was actually draining BYU's own funds to simply destroy it and reclaim Utah for the name of Scientology. From using his bluetooh, John was able to contact multiple people at once without touching a single button on his phone. Just like a paranoid android, he sat and laughed for the possible outcome.
Watching on the television screen that was bought by Bluetooth, he observed Micah's hovercraft going haywire and causing a handful of technical malfunctions. There was nothing anybody could do at this point but watch Micah float through the city of Salt Lake City.
Floating graciously through Salt Lake city, Micah began to notice that sparks began to accidentally out of his hover craft causing a couple of fires that he did not intend to do.
"Holy frog hairs!" exclaimed Micah with distress, "What is happening to my hovercraft? It is like I just ate a bunch of McDonalds McSkillet McSandwiches, and now my body is seeking revenge on my by wanting to poop it all out in the form of lighting bolts!"
"I think that is not the point." said the hiker, "My scanner detects that this hovercraft is operated by bluetooth technology and it seems like someone activated the malfunctioning button."
"Why is there a malfunctioning button?" asked Micah as he licked his Mustache.
The Hiker climbed down and took a piece of celery that Micah was so effortlessly trying to pick out of his mustache, "Don't ask me, I don't speak Spanish."
Slowly over the city, the two watched in horror, or most likely confusion as Salt Lake City was being destroyed by Micah's malfunctioning hovercraft.
After a couple of hours of pure mayhem and destruction on Micah's part, the Air Force finally came because they actually found out it was somewhat of national security to stop Salt Lake City from being burned down.
Shooting rockets, missiles, and rocket propelled grenades, Micah was staring to become confused why they were shooting at him. Luckily for Micah and the hiker, there was a protective plasmic shield that were protecting the two thanks to the gloriousness of Bluetooth technology.
"I don't understand why they're shooting at us?" asked Micah, "This really makes my mustache tingle, and I don't like the feeling of it.
The hiker tried to throw a McSkillet sandwiches at one of the aircraft fighters and missed, "Do you know what Micah, I think it is because we accidentally destroyed this city called, Salt Lake City. I don't get what the big deal is but they seem to be having one."
Dodging through city streets and buildings, Micah steered his hovercraft with great precision as he managed to avoid destruction. Becoming really sad and confused, Micah only had one choice, to flee to the forest. As much Micah is a mountain of peace and happiness, it began to rain in Salt Lake City that day, not by the water of the sky, but by Micah's own tears.
After a long day of misunderstanding and confusing story lines, the hiker and Micah fled into the wilderness hoping that they would not be found for a very long time...
Chapter V
There, deep inside the Utah forest, our hero, Micah, the mustached mountain, laid restless and defeated as he began to indulge in toxic mushrooms in hopes to get rid of his depression knowing that the entire world at the time hated him. High out of his mind, Micah lost the strength from his mustache to keep himself standing but turned into a blob of worthless sand as he mumbled, "Only my mustache can save this world and I cannot save myself. At least there are many pretty colours everywhere here."
"What are you doing Micah!" yelled the hiker as he was floating on Micah's hovercraft, "You cannot just sit around getting high all time time, don't you see the sun, don't you see how high he is in the sky?"
"Yeah so?" said Micah as he coughed out a mushroom, "The sun is 'chill' he provides me heat grow mushrooms."
"You don't get the point, so what if you are indulging in mushrooms, that doesn't mean you should give up."
The conversation went back and forth for a good thirty minutes until the hiker gave up and ran out of options, except for one...
The hiker began burning down the forest in complete happiness knowing that Micah would have to be forced to escape because he himself did not want to turn into molten lava.
"I don't want to turn into molten lava." said Micah as his mushrooms began to burn off his peak giving him the rationality to think clearly.
Watching the forest burn down, the hiker had a sense of joy to him as he kept on laughing knowing that Micah's binging on shrooms were soon going to end.
The forest rangers came and only saw a mustache in the distance and didn't know what or how to react to the fires, to the forest rangers ran into the fire only to burn themselves alive.
Micah used the glory of tectonic plates and moved over to the hovercraft where he climbed aboard and the two floated off into the distance.
Reflecting on his own life, Micah began to realize that there were so many great things in life. Thinking on how he was created and the life he has lived, Micah started to think about blessings in his life such as his golden mustache, the random hiker, and John Travolta's movies.
"You see Micah, you don't have to indulge on shrooms to enjoy life, you see that there are so many great things out there." said the Hiker.
Licking his Mustache, Micah looked up at the hiker with a smile and began naming off some of the great things in life that he really appreciates. "Yeah, you're absolutely right about everything! China, robots, communism, homeless people, and globalization, there are so many beautiful things we take advantage of until we truly realize that they are gone. From this moment on, I will dedicate my mustache to saving the world!"
"Saving the world?" said the hiker.
"Aye, my friend, saving the world!" said micah
Not questioning what he just said, the hiker just assumed Micah was high again and they rode off into the distance wondering what was exactly going on between each other.
In an attempt to get himself off of substance abuse such as mushrooms and inhalant chemicals, Micah started to do civil work for the country to help out his own people."I have a mustache, a hovercraft, and a random hiker on me. I wonder what would be best suitable for me to help out this world?" said Micah as he was floating around thinking what he could do.
Looking into his arms, he notice that there were hundreds of cats meowing at him.
"Hmmm..." said Micah, "I have never noticed all these cats before, I bet they sure miss their home."
Taking each cat one by one home, Micah did his civil duties and he still wondered what else he could do.
The hiker suggested to Micah, "I hear Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin is speaking in this area called Talega located in San Clemente, perhaps we should go give her a visit and maybe she could help out on this quest to saving the world."
"Ok." Micah said.
Flying over to Talega, Micah went at mach speed until he realized that he couldn't slow down at all. If he was going to keep going at this speed than he might actually destroy some houses with all the energy that was coming out of his hovercraft.
"Oh no! We're going to crash!" yelled the hiker.
"Not again!" Micah said.
Yes, it was true, Micah realized that he couldn't slow down the hovercraft in time ending up him accidentally burning Talega to the ground. They couldn't help but scream watching many people explode from the fiery flames.
Micah and the Hiker once again retreated into the wilderness because they were shocked what exactly happened. One morning while the Hiker went on a hike, he couldn't help but notice the cover of the newspaper...
Talega Destroyed by Micah: Declared National Heroes!
"How is it that we accidentally ended Sarah Palin's campaign as vice president and we are declared national heroes?" asked Micah while he was licking his mustache.
"Dunno, who cares really." said the hiker, "But hey, it looks like we are invited to some party over in Moscow."
Micah shook his tree hands and said, "What are we waiting for? Let's go to Moscow!"
Micah and the Hiker floated into Moscow where they landed in the middle of Red Square only to be greeted by thundering applause and cheerful joys.
"Wow Micah!" said the Hiker as he patted Micah's snow cap, "They love us! They really love us!"
"Yes we do Micah!" said Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. "You have done this world a great service and prolonged the human race by at least another 4 years. We didn't need another leader who likes to kill wild animals for fun, that's my job."
Not really understanding what they were referring too, Micah and the Hiker shook their heads and said, "Cool!"
With many Mission Accomplished banners all over Moscow, Micah and the Hiker really felt special that day knowing that they changed the world in somewhat of a good way.
All of the world was filled in joy, except for one man... John Travolta.At the Scientology HQ in Los Angeles, he walked back and forth in his office looking at the various blockbuster hits he has recently been in the last 10 years.
"This is not right, this is just not right." said John Travolta, "It is I who was created Micah, I should be the one winning the prize of coolest guy on earth, not some stupid floating mountain with a mustache. This all just doesn't make sense to me!"
In his office, John Travolta received a call, it was Tom Cruise.
Tom spoke into the phone, "John, I watched the news. All I need to know is, if everything going according to plan?"
John Travolta said, "Yes Tom, everything is going the way it should be."
"Is she ready?" said Tom Cruise.
Not responding, John Travolta hung up the phone and left the room, walking down the hallway, he glanced into the laboratory where there was this skyscraper looking object with the words S.A.L.L.Y on it.
"Soon Micah." said John Travolta, "I know your weakness...."
After a long day, Micah and the Hiker float off into the sunset to once again start a new adventure.The End...?
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